Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Attaining The Next Level

As the competitive racing season looms around the corner, athletes should now be focusing on the primary race of the season.

Thankfully, you've got Coach Brady to help you out.

Now hypothetically let's say that you're an elite athlete named Bryan who desires to make his mark on this season's calendar. You know, have the break-out year and such. And let's say that you've diligently gone through all of the necessary homework of planning out your race calendar: selecting one or two "A" priority races, a handful of B competitions and a bunch of C events. You've put in the time over the off-season and have sharpened your skills like a master craftsman to a lathe. Each day, you place a red "X" after completing your grueling workout. You've kept an eye on your diet and have given yourself days off when needed. Considering your workload, it's deserved more than earned. Days, weeks and months go by with this solitary goal in mind.

Finally, at the dawn of the new season, you're as ready as any human could be. But then it happens.

You hear the gurgling in your tummy.

The gurgling turns into stomach cramps, cramps into nausea, and nausea into chills, diarrhea and vomiting.

Here's my advice: Don't panic. You've spent the past six months rebuilding your body better than they could have ever put old Steve Austin back together; a 36 hour bout of the stomach flu won't stop you now.

You see, among the International Federation of Competitive Eaters (IFOCE), spontaneous vomiting after the base phase of training is commonplace. By forcing large amounts of fluids to expand the stomach, you're simply stretching your gut muscles to their limits. It's like the water balloon that you overfilled in the fifth grade and simply couldn't tie the knot. A mess is inevitable. That's all there is to it. And besides, nearly all IFOCE athletes go through bouts of spontaneous stomach cramping, resulting in ralphing your brains out.

So heed my advice: you'll be fine. Rest a couple of days and slowly build up that fluid intake.

By the time July 4th comes along, you'll be tossing down 50+ of Nathan's best hot dogs and buns and grunting it out with Kobayashi and Chestnut for your 15 seconds of fame. I assure you, this little bump along the way will be long forgotten.

So there you have it. Happy eating!

Seriously Bryan, you'll be fine.

1 comment:

  1. Even if I turn out to be not fine, I'm proud to have inspired such a kick-ass post.