Wednesday, January 16, 2008

The Cycling Sutra

Let's take a moment for a fine discourse on cycling style and techniques.

Of the different types:

A road bike is built for speed. It is to be ridden quickly with either quick up and down strokes, or long and slow mashing in the high gear.

A mountain bike is built for rough play. It is to be ridden with pure abandonment and thrill seeking pleasure. Dirty can be fun.

A fixed gear "fixie" or single speed is for the master cyclist who's been around the block more than just a few times, has tried it all, is a hard core cyclist and is able to ride long with great robusto and endurance.

A tandem bike brings another willing party into the mix. While the stronger usually takes front, many partners have switched roles for additional experimentation and pleasure. However, take care as tandems can also erupt in a flash point of anger and bitterness of one having to do all of the work while the other fakes enjoyment, or skips the adventure altogether due to a "headache".

A recumbent cycle is for leisure riding and for those who like riding in a submissive style.

A unicycle is a bicycle that's been castrated of one wheel. It is usually ridden by unmasculine males in clown suits.

On Washing
The cyclist typically enjoys diligently washing his ride with warm sudsy water, applying plenty of lubricants and finishing the job with a clean wipe of a towel. Unless one's personal preferences enjoy outside assistance, this task is most-often completed solo.

On Mounting
The mount is a very delicate maneuver. The typical male cyclist, however, is often in a rush, which can lead to great discomfort and embarrassment of a mis-mount.

Mounting involves moving the fingers deliberately across the handlebars before applying gentle pressure to the hoods. When ready, place one foot in contact with the pedal and with a single motion, push firmly down until your peddle has grasped your cleat. This is called the cleat grasp.

With a little push off send the other leg in a high arch over the saddle while allowing buttocks to make firm contact with the saddle. Sit down carefully to allow proper position of parts. This is called the line of jewels.

Repeat the cleat grasp with the other foot. Allow a moment to savor the joy.

On Spinning
The art of spinning takes a lot of mastery. While some prefer to bluntly mash on their peddles, this style tends to cause much discord to the bicycle and cyclist. But do not be fooled into thinking that spinning comes easily. While many hurry it, the spin begins with slow and even circles. If you build too quickly you'll blow your max HR, resulting in an unsatisfying experience. Gradually increase circle speed while concentrating on even strokes. Ahh now that's bliss!

On Coasting
When your Heart rate rises to a point where you just can't take it any more, you are permitted to coast. While coasting, many experiment a little. Grasping the top tube with your thighs is called the "mare's position"; doing a backwards spin of the free wheel is called the "reverse silver moon".

On Braking
Braking is to be applied when a voluntary slowing of the action is required. Braking should be done with gentle and increasing even pressure. Sudden braking can lead to violent dismounts and loud squealing sounds. This is called the squeal of the pig.

On Finishing and Recovery
Undisciplined males skip the warm up period and ride recklessly until the point of exhaustion. Females, however, typically have a proper warm up period followed by a deliberate building of momentum before the experience is beneficial. At this point, she is able to spin up and recovery rapidly for many thrilling encounters. In a mixed group ride, the wise male conserves his efforts while his partner is thoroughly enjoying a satiating experience. Only when the finish is approaching may he release his final reserves and sprint to the finish. With muscles twitching and hands shaking, he then dismounts and heads for the nearest food source to refuel before collapsing into the sleep of the dead. Let's face it: he's spent.

On Vigor and Aging
There have been numerous tomes written about cycling for all ages. Rest assured, it can be enjoyed throughout life. While performance certainly varies over time, supplements can help maintain your strength so as to not be an issue. Given the chance, most men will be ready to give it a mount at the drop of a hat. You only have to look as far as this fella for proof.


Whew! I'm spent!


  1. I feel dirty after reading that. Great writing though!

    I had a mis-mount the other day. I do sort of a half flying-leap cyclocross mount. Well, I wasn't properly tucked and the landing was, let's say, not very pleasurable.

  2. I'm telling mom you wrote this.

    I'm also linking this to my bike group. They'll love it. Lots of mashers and unicyclists.

    (Remember, I have fixed gear bike that Sting taught me how to ride...)

  3. Jack was sitting on my lap when I started reading this. He's probably going to be pervert now. Thanks for that.

  4. That naked guy is saying "I don't understand what that means..."

    Hey - there is something in common. Maybe we can arrange a meeting of the minds...,..