Today on Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom, we have traveled to one of the dismal regions of the Midwest: Omaha, Nebraska, where the temperatures started out at -6°F with -35 wind chill factor.
We have been tracking this bipedal male who has chosen to go against the grain of civilization. On this bitterly cold winter morning, he has opted to leave the comfort of a warm bed and venture out into the godforsaken cold.
Our good fellow Jim Fowler has caught up with him as he's trudging along...
Jim: Like the stoic emperor penguins of the Antarctic, who travel over 70 miles to feed and who endure the brutal -50 degree temperatures and 60 mile an hour winds months on end, who is this man and why does he run through Elmwood park? What mysterious reason is his motivation? Is it for survival of the species? For sex drive? Food? Here he comes now...
Brady: Ah! Is that Jim Fowler?! You scared the crap out of me about that emperor penguin jabber!
Jim: (teeth chattering) What brings you out on this epic trek this morning?
Brady: Epic? This isn't Beowolf, Jim. I'm just out for a simple run to morning swimming practice. It's not too bad if you bundle up and keep moving. Hey Jim, don't you have anything better to do with your time?
Jim: (huffing) Yes, but it was Marlon's idea to get me out here in the cold. Anyway, you could be at home sleeping in the warmth of your abode. Instead, you venture out into the frozen world with angst like polar bears on melting ice caps.
Brady: Angst? Jim, really, who writes your scripts? Listen man, I just heard an owl hooting in the woods about a quarter mile back. Why don't you save some of your rhetoric for the lonesome plight of the horned owl in search of emaciated winter field mice? I think Marlon will still be satisfied with your suffering, I mean story. Tudaloo and enjoy!
Jim: Well, that's all I got here, Marlon. A strange fellow indeed. I'll see you back in the studio in a few minutes to wrap this up over hot coffee. Back to you....
Marlon: That's a good idea he had about the owl. Why don't you go look into that?
Jim: ...
Marlon: Jim? What do you say old boy? That owl...
Jim: (muttering incoherently) Right! What the hoot? Let's go check on that bird. That's all for now, back to you!....my fricking nuts are frozen. Oh shit! Is the mic still on? Sorry, Marlon!...Marlon?
Marlon: Er, ah....Until next time, I'm Marlon Perkins and remember: each and every creature, including the horned owl and my good man Jim, is a valuable and irreplaceable part of.. the wild Kingdom!
Goldilocks and the 3 Bears
-
Let's pick up the story in roughly the middle of the action.
... Goldilocks first sampled Papa Bear's porridge, "Holy shit, that's hot,"
she cried, toss...
2 years ago
Thanks in advance, Bryan
ReplyDeleteI was gonna say ... that owl looks familiar.
ReplyDeleteAnd the person from whom I stole it is probably thinking the same thing.
Good job on the run, there Brady. And very entertaining reading. All I could come up with was sarcasm and whining. Some day I will learn from you literary masters. Some day...
ReplyDeleteIt started as a whimsical thought (while my nuts were freezing) on the way to swimming practice: I was picturing someone living on the equator watching a PBS show on humans coping with this type of cold weather, which is not unlike how we marvel at those penguins. When Bryan's blog comment referenced Mutual of Omaha, it crystallized (pardon the pun) and I thought I'd go with it.
ReplyDeleteRunning in these conditions is still a step closer to sanity than riding in the cold like you. It does help keep me motivated to read about others like you doing this kinda stuff to keep pushing on while and mocking old man winter to do his worst.
This blog entry almost had a different take, though. When I was running home later that afternoon, this dude slowed & rolled down his window to yell, "It too cold fo dat!"
ReplyDeleteThat killed me. It too cold fo dat.
Perhaps I should have written about that, but it just didn't fit the Mutual of Omaha thing.
Let's see. That's five comments. Three of them are my own. Geez, what a loser.