Friday, July 15, 2011

Vampire Threat Level: DANGER

Once again, we're on the verge of another TT, the Cornhusker State Games TT, which of course brings out the best among us. And by best, I mean super-human, non-dead, flesh-eating-gory-best. And as sure as I am to being dropped on the sprint to Ft Calhoun, my arch enemies in Lincoln, the KAOS Vampire coven, have been fasting and sharpening their vampire fangs, or whatever their pre-slaughter ritual is, for this event.

So will the MWCC Lycans/werewolves (dogs) answer the call and show up to the race? Well, with the moon at full phase on Saturday July 16th, I'd say the chances are good for a show down.

But, who knows? MWCC's Kevin Burke is going to be out of town. And while it's true that Paul Webb's broken elbows are mending well, they still might be a little tender for the aero position. And that dog Shim will probably be saving his legs for two crits. That, and marking every tree along the Papillion course as his 'territory'. Kent's probably recovering somewhere along the Italian riviera from his most recent eurotrash gran fondo. And there's a good chance that MOD will be sitting in his underwear, roto-tweeting how his man-crush Philip Gilbert is faring on the Col de Latrape.

Sorry, KAOS. I think you guys will be on your own again.

Regardless, it's gonna be a hot & sunny one out there on Saturday. And that got me wondering, how is it that vampires can now brave the flesh-burning sunlight?

Well, one theory being tossed around is that a former teammate of yours is openly dispensing KAOS team secrets on gamjams-midwest. Yes, Bryan Redemske is a recovering vampire and a current pet-project of the MWCC lycans.

Photo credit: David Allen Seevers

By the way, Bryan's rehabilitation is coming along nicely. We're on to the final step of recovery, which according to the 12 Step Vampire Recovery Program, consists of daily feedings of Heinz 57 splattered on the neck of a used department store mannequin.

Anyway, here's how a recovering vampire copes with the sunlight.

It doesn't take long in the summer to burn your dome if its left unprotected. In my experience, Ozone Sport pretty much takes care of that. It's SPF 60 — pretty heavy-duty stuff... only one application for a five-hour ride.

Great. Thanks a lot, Ozone Sport. We're spared skin cancer in exchange for Count Dracula on a TT bike. So with five hours of protection and no MWCC dogs to boot, I'd say the KAOS coven is going to destroy whatever's in their path.

To this bit of ominous news, I heed the warning provided by my friend James Peters, who wrote me this recently:

My wife and I were up in the pacific northwest last year. Apparently we drove into Forks, WA and didn't realize that's where the Twilight series was filmed. Based on the recent entries, I think you may want to include this in your next vampire entry.

Vampire Threat Level: DANGER, indeed.

See you at the races. Happy Friday everyone


  1. Was the trip around the interwebs worth it?

    Yes. Yes, it was.

  2. Seriously. Cat scratch. Painful. Really? Weird.

  3. Carl paused. The knock was from the front door. Muss be dose neighbor kids sellin' candy, mmm hmm. Carl wasn't going to be swayed. His mind was ham.

    -- KNOCK KNOCK --

    "Go AWAY!" yelled Carl. He adjusted the worn coverall strap over his shoulder and took another step toward the back door.

    -- KNOCK KNOCK! --

    "Come back later! I don't want no candy. I'm gonna eat me some pig, mmm hmmm. Dats gonna be sweet meat. mmm hmmm" Carl called out defiantly.

    -- KNOCK KNOCK!! --

    "It's Shim" came the voice from behind the front door.

    "Shim?" Carl was intrigued. Shim rarely got up at the crack of dawn. He headed toward the front door. Placing his hand on the handle, he turned it slowly while saying, "What do you want?"

    Shim kicked open the door suddenly. He had a crazed, ravaged look in his eye. His movements were urgent.

    "It was the UP taco truck lunch ride! I NEED TO TAKE A SHIT. BADLY! AHH!"

    Shim winces

    Hey Carl -- you GOT ANY PAPER?!?"


    Sorry, buddy. This time you're out of luck. Shit out of luck, as they say.

    Looks like you won't have any trouble finding any leaves.