Monday, December 21, 2009

Injury Update, part 3 of 3

You may have wondered what compels me to write about my hemorrhoid experience. You may have even advised against it. One such comment came from Shim, "I think it would have been best if you had taken a few more weeks off of blogging."

Remember when Katie Couric broadcast her colonoscopy? It's kinda like that. I'm doing this as a service for the WSCG audience. Chances are, somebody reading this is familiar with this territory. And that's...OK. You don't need to suffer in silence. There are treatments.

So with that, it's time to shit or get off the pot.

Picking up from the last installment, I took the #2 bus from downtown to the Westroads Mall transfer center, which was a short distance from the clinic. Along the way, I became contrite about my behavior on the phone. Even more, I was concerned about Ratchet telling me to be prepared to wait. She could really make me pay for being nasty. Indeed, an apology wasn't going to cut it. This called for a bribe.

A box of warm cookies from the mall fit the bill.

Fortunately, Nurse Ratchet wasn't present when I arrived. In her place was a double for Queen Latifah. With dark chocolate eyes and the voice of honey, Queen Latifah 2 (QL2) was a vivacious and wholesome woman. She was an immense improvement on Ratchet.

QL2: How can I help you?

WSCG: I have a walk-in at 11:00 am.

QL2: Here's the paperwork, and I'll need a copy of your driver's license and proof of insurance.

WSCG: Here's my license, insurance and a treat for the staff. I was a bit irrational over the phone earlier. Could you put these in the break room for me?

QL2: Why that's sure nice of you. Hmmm. I think I'd better have one now... Ewwww these look soooo good! Oh Sugar, you know how to get out of the dog house don't you?

The cookies hit their mark. Within 15 minutes, a paper surgical gown was draped over my torso, while I was bent over in a position of disadvantage. The doctor said that the series of shots I was about to experience were not going to be pleasant, but I'd be feeling relief shortly after.

He wasn't kidding. I was wishing my mother had never met my father while he was delivering those injections. When the anesthetic took effect, the external portion of the hemorrhoid was lanced and stitched. The stitching, although painless, felt like piano wire was being drawn through me. Then he somehow put a ligature (rubber band) around the internal portion, explaining that it would wither up and go away within ten days.

The treatment was immediately effective. However, the doctor explained that I was feeling the effects of the anesthetic. He offered to write a script for a mild narcotic, but also said extra strength Tylenol should be enough to manage the pain.

I passed on the prescription.

Things were fine until I had to go #2 later that evening. It was bad. Really bad. Like, intense raw pain. If you had told me that I was passing a steady diet of coarsely broken fiber glass and chicken-wire, I would have believed you. It was that awful.

*** Again, this information is for your advantage. SO PLEASE NOTE: If the doctor offers a mild narcotic for a couple days to deal with pain, take it! ***

After a restless night, I called in the prescription. I took the narcotics for four days, then extra strength Tylenol for two more before things started returning normal. In all, it took about ten days from injury to recovery.

And with that, I'm done. Whew! Glad that's over with.

Wait - one more thing. This doubles as my heart-felt holiday greeting to you:



  1. Brady, would you and your blogosphere like to hear about my recent colonoscopy? Ol' Dad

  2. Man, this whole thing was kind of a giant pain in the ass, huh?

  3. Ha! That's the spirit, Dad. You could either write it up in your own blog, or do like my friend Munson and reply with a 400 word response in the comment section.

    Bryan: by this 'whole thing' do you mean what I experienced, or what you experienced by reading about it in three parts?

    A literary scholar might draw symbolic meaning from the seemingly constipated state of my blogging lately.

    Hopefully, having finally flushed [sic] this movement out, I will be regular once more.

  4. dude. Dude. DUDE. Too much information, but thanks for stating the obvious in that pharmacology is god's way of saying...."Here, you know that Christian Science, God gave me this for you to try".

    You need to eat more White Castles. That'll keep you regular. Sams Club sell's em frozen 16 to a box. (8 2 packs)

    Merry Christmas

  5. "On the whole, I think Preparation H feels good." - Dr. Evil

  6. as a matter of tradition, I'll post a comment: I didn't know EB was your doctor.

  7. Now I hate you and Catie Couric and if John posts anything about his colonoscopy, he's on the list as well.

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  9. the (w)hole thing was kind of a pain in the ass, I mean.