Friday, February 7, 2014

Brad Wears a Scarf

Hi, you may know me. In case you don't, we'll just say my name is "Brad". I act in the movies. When I'm not acting, I build homes for low income people. When I'm not acting or building low income homes, I ride bicycles. A lot. In all weather conditions.

I'm a tough guy.

I have all sorts of winter riding gear: the thermal jackets and bibs, lobster claws for the hands and warm cycling boots for the feet. But my favorite accessory is a scarf.

I think scarves are cool. I mean warm. I mean cool. Dammit, you know what I mean. Don't make me sick Tyler Durden on you, so back off.

A scarf:
... keeps my face warm and toasty.
... keeps the grit kicked up off the streets out of my mouth
... makes it easier to maintain a comfortable head temperature
... is way more comfortable than those dorky neoprene face masks
... is better insulated more adjustable than a nylon balaclava.
... manages eye wear fogging better than any of the above

On top of that, it's easily adjustable. You can simply move it over your face as often as you please: slide it on during head winds; loosen it up during tail winds. That's it. There's no need to be messin' with pulling or stretching anything that's beneath your helmet straps.

But people say to me Brad, what about your beard? Doesn't that do the same thing as a scarf?

Yes. Beards are basically human hair scarves. They do help keep your face warm. But the problem is that beards in the winter also get caked with frozen snot. That's just gross. After a long ride, I like to sit down and have a post-ride espresso with Angie. Now if I'm still snotted-up and stuff, well, Angie will throw a fit. I mean, yeah pretty good, you've seen her. She's all crazy and everything, but she'll have none of that dingle-booger business hanging off my face.

A scarf, however, provides an elegant solution: you just toss that icy snot-rag into the dirty clothes hamster and it's like, wallah, you're instantly Joe Black once more.

As an aside, Angie hated Joe Black. I know. It's complicated. Sigh.

Anyway, when I ride with a scarf, I feel like a bad ass. I feel like this:

And bless her dear heart, Angie thinks I look like this:

And my children think I look like this:

But what I really look like is this:

Hey Jordan: if Brad can't pull this off, what makes you think you can?


Seriously. I like to wear a scarf in the winter. They are the rare combination of form and function. I highly recommend them.

Happy Friday. Thanks for reading.


  1. Hey Brad - I have a question for you. I have read that you are a chain smoker. I can only assume it is because as the old-timers knew, smoking at the base of a climb opens the lungs for the hard effort ahead. Well my question is: is there any particular brand you'd recommend for the best lung opening experience? Also, what does that (open the lungs) even mean? Thanks Brad.

  2. Brad's outside smoking a menthol right now.

    I've got this one, Fred. I believe Brad became a chain smoker not to "open his lungs", whatever that means, but because Tyler Durden would think he was tough.

    Wait, what? Now I'm confused.

    Anyway Fred, you should wear a scarf not because it's cool to do so but because it will make your winter cycling more enjoyable. Plus, it doesn't damage your lungs.