Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The Facebook Before Facebook

In the comments from Monday's post, my brother Murphini said that I had some issues to work out.

To you Murphini, I have a two word response: no shit.

Of course I have issues. What gave it away? Was it the ranting or the public urination?

Anyway, I decided to do a little soul-searching after my big brother's comment. So last night, as I lay my big fat head on my snow white pillows, I reflected about what those issues could be. To quiet the mind, I drew a long breath into my lungs and expelled it slowly. And waited. I did it again. And then waited some more. A good five seconds later, I concluded that I did indeed have some issues. Thankfully nothing too major, like Bryan Redemske's sock fetishes or issues with frosty beards, but really, who among us is free of being a tad unbalanced from time to time?

Rather than brush this wonderful insight aside, I capitalized on the moment and said this little prayer of serenity:

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the Shim I cannot change,
The courage to change my attitude about Mark Savery,
and the wisdom to ignore all social networking provocations.

And all the voices in my head said, AMEN!

In truth, I felt refreshed while riding in the cool, crisp air this past Sunday. It's good to get out of the group from time to time for a little solitude, to enjoy the peaceful stillness that only a winter day can bring. Don't get me wrong: group rides are still the best, but there's typically one dude in the mix who likes to run his mouth more than Rush Limbaugh. Perhaps that's the original reason why a rotating paceline was created: everyone's got to take a pull.

But in the solitude of winter, you have the time to think in peace. To sort a thing or two out and learn something along the way. On Sunday's ride I learned some things about winter riding, the greatest of which was my apparent need to hydrate more. I mean, did anyone even notice the dark, golden-amber color of the snow? Golly! You would think that I was pissing India Pale Ale right from the tap.

The truth was that peeing on this route was by far the most refreshing part of the ride. It was way more than a simple biological relief. It was cathartic. I mean, it was like, so primal to mark (yes, pun) Savery's territory.

Now it's common knowledge that long before there was ever a Facebook or Twitter, and long before there were petroglyphs and cave paintings, we animals simply peed to mark our social network and boundaries. Peeing was essentially the Facebook before Facebook.

But somehow, today's digital age lacks the same punch that only voiding can produce. By comparison, without that distinctive urine odor that permeates and never ceases, today's social networking is not only sterile, but is soon written over and inevitably forgotten. For example, I present to you this post:

Good pissing on your territory today, buddy!

While there's a chance you'll remember that Facebook stinger, you'll never forget the smell of that tawny stain behind the toilet seat of your first apartment.

What I also learned on Sunday was that it's difficult to hydrate with a frozen water bottle. I've read that there are solutions for this, including using insulated water bottles during frigid rides. I've also read that those insulated bottles suck. A solution for this dilemma is to ensure that the route passes a convenience store to refill from the coffee machine's hot water spigot. The heated water lasts at least 30 minutes in 15F temps at ride pace before beginning to freeze again.

Unfortunately, I discovered this hot water ditty a little too late. And that's the reason why I couldn't complete my yellow fresco in the snow. You see, I had originally planned a much bigger mural on that snowy canvas. Plans that included peeing 'MOD' with a smiley-face next to the date of "01 16" that I managed to squirt out. But the lack of urine in the tank and its dark color could only mean one thing: I was dehydrated I'll have to be better prepared next time.

If for nothing else, Mod, you've taught me the importance of being properly hydrated during a winter ride in your territory.

Hey Murphini, how'd I do? I'd say there's one less issue that I have to work out now.


  1. Bam In your face ... awesome.. I usually keep one water bottle in the jersey pocket my body outputs enough btu to keep water from freezing ....
    and you are a funny guy

  2. "Don't get me wrong: group rides are still the best, but there's typically one dude in the mix who likes to run his mouth more than Rush Limbaugh."

    hahahah, was this a reference to Randleman?

  3. 2 words of advice I learned while camping 10 days at a time at Scout camp in 100 degree weather with my son Ryan; Clear and copious. If you saw that tawny/rusty/snow sig from Brady you'd be on the way to kidney failure.

    I have also found that the more you hydrate, the more you can spray....I mean say. And it goes to the matter that the more you drink the more you usually say.

    "en vino veritas" for Brady should be roughly translated to
    "en icino, urinitas"

    I had a point in there somewhere, but I guess that's an issue I had to work out.