Wednesday, November 24, 2010

A Wish for Christmas

The elderly of Council Bluffs are in need this season.

Yesterday, the Real Wes J and I were out riding the CB trails during the lunch hour. At 22F, it was brisk outside, but bearable without much wind. Anyway, on our return trip, we exited the Manawa trail, went through a CB trailer park and continued west along 34th Ave to connect to the Riverfront trail. As we approached 24th St, we moved to the turning lane to allow a car to pass. A second car suddenly pulls in behind us in the turning lane. This car's driver was impatient and was getting really close to our bicycles. With a car in the center lane, and this one now behind us, we had nowhere to go. Fortunately, at the traffic signal, we were able to give way to allow the car to turn right.

As we made way for the car to pass, the driver of the vehicle, an old woman, rolls down her window, points to our bikes, then the sidewalk, and opens her mouth:

Granny: There's a place for that

She's not at all happy that we were holding her up from very important business.

Now it was my turn to open my mouth:

Me: What's your hurry, lady? Did you leave your iron on back home or something?

She merges her fat Buick into traffic, then sticks her bare hand out the window and extends the middle finger.

I was flipped off by somebody's grandma.

But rather than be bitter, I chose the higher ground and offered a plea for help. So I got out my Big Chief tablet and scratched out the following note:

Dear Santa,

Times are bad, especially for an elderly woman of CB this Christmas season. Could you kindly provide a new clothes iron for her? It doesn't have to be deluxe model, just one equipped with an auto-shutoff feature.

And while you're at it, how about also throwing in a nice pair of Isotoner gloves? That way, she wouldn't have to suffer the indignity of frost bite on her middle finger after giving the bird to another cyclists who asks her if she left a major appliance on -- like her oven -- while every timber of her house is consumed in total fire loss.

Times are bad, but I know I can count on you, Santa. Thanks in advance for bringing good holiday cheer.



  1. Wow, Big Chief tablets. Now that brings back some memories.

    You're lucky Brady. I can never think of anything clever to say in confrontations. I was so happy when Pee Wee Herman taught us about, "I know you are, but what am I?" That quote saved me in numerous battles of wits.

  2. Dear Santa,

    You may also want to throw in a new pair of tires for Granny. Based on the way she was driving, I am sure she will be in need after black Friday.

  3. Brady, your Mom trained you well, following the words of Matthew (5:39) and the words of the burly TSA worker: "Turn the other cheek.:

  4. John, you'll be glad to know that in my opinion you and Brady's mom did a stellar job in most aspects of child raising. He could probably be a little more particular about who he hangs out with but what the heck. Now for Granny, taking all of the facts listed in the posting into consideration, my guess is that she had a fresh batch of meth cooking and need to get back to add the draino she had just picked up at Quick Trip. I would also think that she was probably about 32 and looked like a granny due to the extended meth use. Did you know, health conditions associated with meth abuse include memory loss, aggression, violence, psychotic behavior, heart damage, neurological damage, weight loss, rapid tooth decay (“meth mouth”), meningitis, paranoia, delusions, hallucinations, severe headaches, skin sensations, compulsive picking, skin infections, muscle tissue breakdown, kidney failure?

  5. The Real Wes J comes out from the shadows to post another comment. Knowing Wes, his profile and its six views have likely been deactivated via super logoff. Thanks for the comment. You are now free to lurk about the internet once more.

    Turning the other cheek. That's funny in the context of the TSA, Dad.

    Munson: thanks to Shim, you now have something really witty to say to granny next time.

  6. Brady...

    It seems to me a lot of your riding ends up in:
    -Getting bird-flipped by a granny
    -Getting flipped over your handlebars by a car braking in your path
    -Breaking your bike by hitting a sponson(?) pole on a ride.
    -Pole-axing a pal in a criterium.

    How about this letter:

    Dear Santy Claus:

    Please bring my brother some common sense when he rides, the wisdom to know when to hammer, and to know when to coast, and the ability to understand WHY and WHEN each are appropriate.

    Second, please bring him 35-40 pounds of body weight so his older brother can keep up with him on uphills....yet still beat him on the downhills.

    Finally, please bring him many more Big Chief Tablets so we don't have to wait months for inane "it was the other guy's fault" posts on his blog.



    PS...bring him a Campagnolo Record 11 grouppo so he can really learn what shift is ALL ABOUT.

  7. You're right, Murphini, that kid sure has a mouth. He'd probably decline on the 30lbs of body weight, but will gladly accept your generous gift of a campy 11 spd groupo. --WSCG

  8. You got the wrong John Murphy as Santy Claus. It's johnT, not johnF.

    And for that matter, we Murphini's don't believe in Santa Claus, we belive in "Babbo Natale"


  9. *snicker*

    That was awesome.

    I try to give cyclists room to move, the gripe I have are with the ones who go out in the middle of the lane (or the middle of the road, even) so you CAN'T get around them... Not like you at all, I'm sure.

    Keep up the good cyclin'


  10. Thanks for the comment, Scratch. I agree: bicycles and autos can share the road if their operators both use their brains and share the resource appropriately.

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