Friday, April 24, 2015

Pulling It Off

There comes a time when every cyclist must decide to commit to a bold move -- to take a chance at throwing everything to the wind and just go for it.

Some may think this means taking a flier and winning in a solo breakaway. Others may think of threading the needle and winning a hotly contested sprint at the line.

I'm not talking about any of that stuff. That's bush league.

No, the stuff that makes legends out of cyclists comes after the ride, or when it's time to clean up. This is especially true when there are time constraints, and one has to bathe as minimally as possible to get by without appearing or smelling otherwise so.

This move is called "Pulling It Off."

It was invented, patented and perfected by none other than my buddy, Shim.

The first time I heard those three words strung together in the context of cycling was after a lunch ride. Shim was standing in a towel in front of the locker room mirror, licking his hand and smashing down a cowlick on the back of his head. As he preened, he spoke with reassuring confidence, "Oh yeah, I'm pulling it off today."

Within two minutes, he was fully dressed in his work clothes and rushing to a meeting.

Now to Shim's credit, he normally practices good personal hygiene. And on that particular day, he also took a quick shower rinse before standing in front of that mirror. To save time, he simply chose to skip washing and styling his hair. Well, unless you count the cowlick-grooming.

If there's no time for a quick rinse, then a sponge bath can be substituted as a last resort. But be forewarned, sponge bathing is an extremely risky endeavor that may still end up leaving you all stinky. Therefore, in only but the most extreme cases -- a natural disaster, your wife's in labor, or Bon Jovi tickets suddenly went on sale -- should one ever consider pulling off the sponge bath.

It goes without saying that anything less than a sponge bath is reprehensible. Think of all that blooming, festering bacteria. Yuck. For those scumbags who choose this revolting path, let me assert that this places you beneath several species in the animal kingdom that groom themselves regularly, including apes, birds, felines and horses. You'll be in good company with pigs, though.

So in conclusion, bathe after every ride. If you're in a pinch, attempt to Pull It Off. Who knows, with practice you may become as adept as the legend himself, Shim.

Thanks for reading. Happy Friday.

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