Friday, June 15, 2012


While lurking on Facebook recently, I spotted this update by Sean Craig.

Looks like Sean's pre-ride ritual order got jumbled up.  It made me wonder if anyone has ever put their contacts lens in after applying Mad Alchemy's Madness embrocation.


Sorry in advance if this is too much information, but I'm not a Assos/DZ Nuts/BodyGlide chamois cream user. It's not that I haven't tried it before, but generally speaking, I just don't chaff down there. Even on long rides. I suppose if I did, I would use the junk, because nobody wants to be all numb and stingy, especially down there.

Still, it makes me wonder: do those who do use the stuff apply it every time they ride? Has it become some sort of ritual to just slap some of that grease on the undercarriage beforehand, regardless of the anticipated ride time?

Or, do some only use it on rides longer than say 30/45/60 minutes? What's the threshold?

One of things I don't like about cycling is all the pre-ride stuff that has to take place before one can actually ride their  bike. Mine goes like this: put on bibs, jersey, socks, shoes, cycling cap, helmet, sunglasses, sunblock, gloves, water, food, phone, money, ID, check bike's tire pressure & saddlebag (tools, pump/air, inner tube). That's a lot of to-do before clipping-in.  I suppose adding chamois butter at part of that ritual wouldn't be that much more effort.

Runners have it much easier. Because most training runs are less than 60 minutes, there's no need for the stuff. Runners simply dress and run.

Still, runners are not immune to rituals, but it's typically reserved for the distance folks. There's a guy at work -- let's call him "Guy" --  who runs marathons. Marathon runners like Guy can get friction burns on their nipples during the course of long runs.  The solution is to apply Vaseline or Band-Aides over the areolas.  But, again, I believe that nipple-chaffing occurs over long, sweaty runs. So (again) it makes me wonder: why does Guy put those pasties on before every 45 minute lunch run?  Is it because he has extra-sensitivity there, or is it due to some mindless ritual?

I've thought about asking him. It'd go something like this:

The scene is the employee locker room. It's the lunch hour and it's very crowded and noisy

Bill: Hey Shim, you doing the Taco Ride today? ... blah blah blah ...

Wesley: I've got to be back by 12:45 for a meeting at 1:00PM ...

Ed B: Are you doing Ride the Rockies again this year Brant?...

Brady: Hey Guy, why are those Band-Aides on your nipples?

-- queue chirping crickets sound effect--

No, that isn't gonna work.

I suppose Guy puts his Band-Aides on for the same reason that most cyclists put chamois cream before every ride. It's just a habit. 

While writing this, I was also reminded of another guy in the locker room who has a peculiar habit of standing naked in front of the mirror, and with one leg propped up on the sink, proceeds to blow-dry his undercarriage with the hairdryer. True story, as Fred would say.

But that one will have to wait for another blogpost, because I'm up against the deadline to get this thing posted.

Happy Friday everyone.


  1. Yes Sean. You probably should. Also, you might consider washing your hands before sticking your finger in your eye. Enjoy the hepatitis.

  2. Sean: don't listen to Fred. You need to be infected before you can transmit hepatitis A. Now if you were putting chamois cream in someone else's chamois before sticking a dirty finger in your eye, you could be in trouble. But you didn't say that. No, I think you're in the clear.

    Of course, you could give yourself pink eye that way.

  3. I know. I write a few lines of fiction about a pretend Dr. and all of the sudden I'm some sort of C. Everett Koop or something. Sean, If you knew me better you'd understand how rare this is, but I sincerely apologize. I remember when we used to race together and thinking "That guy would be so much handsomer with contacts and conjunctivitis." Those were the days.