Junk Yard Dog

This past Saturday evening, Katherine and I went to Avoca, IA (pop. 1500) to watch the main event: a junkyard car derby. Awesome! Katherine's friend Shannon is from Avoca and her boyfriend had built a car for the race. Man, that was fun. And LOUD, too.

For the inexperienced, a Demolition derby is an event where automobiles engage in a battle of attrition against each other. It's essentially a cross between the two Rs: racing and 'rasslin, and is a favorite at county fairs. No offense, but other than the 4-H youth who hand fed Wilbur into a hogzilla, who really wants to see the prize hog? Indeed, nothing beats Car Wrestling at the mud track.

Apparently the rules state which type of cars can be entered and how and where they can be reinforced for safety purposes. What it comes down to is choosing the best type of frame that will naturally protect vulnerabilities: radiator, wheels and engine. A 1995 Camry like the one I drive would be a poor choice because it's small, under powered and has plastic bumpers rated at 5 mph. What you need is a steel behometh with some punch under the hood. It appears that station wagons built in the U.S. of A in the 1960-1970s fit this bill best. I wondered more than once how mom and pop's 1976 Catholic Cruiser (Pontiac Grand Safari) would have fared.


While the smell of funnel cakes wafted through the air, I noted the tactics of the better drivers pruning the others with minimal damage to their own. A car smashed another into the wall and the crowd jumped back. My mind then drifted to volunteering at last week's Papillion crit, where a race course official cautiously stepped back from the haystacks and said, "Here comes the Cat5 on their first corner - better give them some space." That's when I had a revelation: there's a lot of derby tactics that can be applied to Cat5 bicycle races.

Cat5 riders are notoriously squirrelly riders. Any time you get 20+ amateur cyclists, much less entry level racers starting from a bunched up state, you're likely to have bedlam. Except for the mud, the noise and carney food (beer-drinking fans exists at anytime of the day), I figure Cat5 racing is not unlike the junk yard derby. So here are my racing takeaways:
1) Turn (lean) into a competitor crashing into you
2) Protect your wheels
3) Position to the inside during turns
4) Get the hell out of the way if somebody's about to T-Bone you at high speeds

Finally, I picked up a few maintenance tips.

A sledge hammer (see yellow circles) is a excellent way to straighten out that frame after a wreck. Sure, dentists will probably need some of Munson's duct tape to get their carbon fiber bike reassembled, but the majority of Cat-5'ers are more likely riding croMoly or aluminum jobbies that could use some good ol' fashioned persuasion to prep them for the next road race.

On paint: I'm sure that many have deeply longed to put a custom touch to their rig's paint scheme but just didn't feel they had the permission. I say go for it. Forget Tom Boonen's Tornado emblem or Ricardo "The Worm" Ricco's Cobra decal that might have come from a box of Cracker Jacks. What I'm talking about is making a statement that really stands out, like car #32's "I like girls that like girls" slogan. The problem of a bicycle not having enough real estate for such a message is overcome with a homemade FOTL and magic marker jersey. Imagine the pizazz! People would show up every week if only to see what Fredcube was pimpin' (and to drink beer (which they do already)).

Anyway, armed with my copious notes and pictures, I say to my fellow Cat5 riders: "Let's get ready to rrrrrrrrrrumble!"